I’m just wondering if there is any mistakes in this:
Alice sat up and rubbed at her eyes ferociously, making her sight blur. Her mouth felt as dry as cotton, and her cheeks felt sticky, probably from the tears she let flee out last night. She shook off her duvets that were now suffocating her and pushed away the portable heater. She looked in the mirror half-heartedly; she looked like a panda, her eyes rimmed with thick black eyeliner, and her hair, well…she looked like she was modelling for a Bed Head advert. But while noticing all of this only one thing, one person, one face that was in her head, and that was Hayden, the same picture over and over again, replaying. Him, shaking his head in disgust, his eyes full of sorrow, and then walking away from her.
What had she done last night?
Alice reached towards her antique desk her late grand-mother gave her, and took out her Sidekick 3. She dialled Hayden’s number and after 6 rings his voice mail came on.
“This is Hayden, I’m either asleep or I just can’t be bothered to talk to you. Don’t leave a message…unless you’re Alice”
Alice wasn’t surprised by his voice mail message, Hayden was (or used to be…) her boyfriend, she was surprised by how distant his voice sounded. She had left New York for a little over a year to go to boarding school in London.
Things couldn’t have changed that much, could they?
Suddenly her phone vibrated, it was the maid.
“Miss, it is 7:00am, this is your wake-up call. Your mother said that you have to be downstairs by 9:00am for the Champagne Breakfast”
“Thank-you, I’ll be there” replied Alice.
Great, Alice thought, firstly having such a hangover that she can’t remember why Hayden left her, alone; in that stuffy, crowded room, his eyes glistening full of deep sadness and despair, and now having to put on a happy face in front of her old friends and their families, ugh.
Alice got up and looked in the mirror properly this time; she definitely needed a shower, and a lot of make-up to mask the fact that she looked half dead. She showered with not a care that the water was burning her skin. She stood there motionlessly with the water dripping down her spine. Alice found it kind of relaxing, in a painful way. When she was finished with washing her hair she sat down in the shower with her knees to her chin, starring into space, past the running water.
She soon got out realising that she was running out of time and she didn’t have a clue what to wear or how to answer the questions she was going to be hurled at. She wrapped a dressing gown round her toned and tanned body and quickly lathered her hair with Catwalk Frisky Scrunching Gel and tied it in a bun letting a few spare strands fall down. She looked like she was a runway model with her effortless good looks.
By the time she was finished it was 8:30am.
“Crap” she said under her breath.
After changing multiple times she settled with a Phillip Lim Diamanté embroidered dress teamed with Givenchy brown leather cut-out shoe boots. Simple for Breakfast and for later on in the day she was going to wear a Balmain Crystal-embellished canvas jacket, she does like her crystals.
She wiped off her smudged eyeliner and put a coat of her Chanel 166 Fuego lipstick on.
She was ready to face them.
* * *
It was 9:06am when she arrived downstairs and everyone had already arrived.
“Pardon me” she said, apologising for being late.
She looked around for a place to sit. At the left side of the table was her father, Cairon, and at the right end of the table was her mother, Eleanor. Clockwise from her mother was Daniel’s parents, Matthew and Karoline and then Daniel himself, Jennifer’s parents, William and Susan and then Jennifer herself, Jakie’s parents, Scott and Katherine and then Jakie himself, Tasha’s parents Keith and Samantha and then Tasha herself, then was her father, to the right from him there was two empty seats, past them there was Nathaniel’s parents, Edward and Pamela and then Nathaniel himself, Aimee’s family, Anthony and Emily, her brother Zane and then Aimee herself, and then there was Taylor, who’s parents were at Italy for a week.
Alice felt a breeze of air fly past her back, there was a scent behind her and she recognised it straight away, it was Hayden’s scent (who shouldn’t be thought about or talked about out loud if she was not to break down), Hayden was wearing Euphoria Man by Calvin Klein which Alice bought for him, she felt as if her heart was shrivelling up inside of her.
Who keeps doing this to me? She thought. Why me?
Her father coughed under his breath and she realised that she was standing there starring at the chair, Hayden had already sat down and he was trying not to look at her.
“Sweetheart, why don’t you sit down between Hayden and me” he asked, smiling her favourite smile, his eyes wrinkled at the side, which gave him character.
She took a deep breath and pulled out the chair.
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Alice sat up and rubbed at her eyes ferociously, making her sight blur. Her mouth felt as dry as cotton, and her cheeks felt sticky, probably from the tears she let flee out [YOU CANNOT 'LET TEARS FLEE OUT' - OVERWRITTEN- REVISE] last night. She shook off her duvets that were now suffocating her and pushed away the portable heater. She looked in the mirror half-heartedly; she looked like a panda, her eyes rimmed with thick black eyeliner, and her hair, well…she looked like she was modelling for a Bed Head advert. But while noticing all of this only one thing, one person, one face that ['THAT' HERE IS INCORRECT - IT DOES NOT LINK TO ANYTHING. REMOVE OR PUT 'THERE WAS' BEFORE 'ONLY ONE THING' was in her head, and that was Hayden, the same picture over and over again, replaying [REPLAYING WOULD SIT BETTER BETWEEN 'PICTURE' AND 'OVER'. Him, shaking his head in disgust, his eyes full of sorrow, and then walking away from her.
What had she done last night?
Alice reached towards her antique desk [INSERT 'WHICH OR 'THAT'] her late grand-mother gave her, and took out her Sidekick 3. She dialled Hayden’s number and after 6 rings his voice mail came on.
“This is Hayden, I’m either asleep or I just can’t be bothered to talk to you. Don’t leave a message…unless you’re Alice”
Alice wasn’t surprised by his voice mail message, Hayden was (or used to be…[DELETE THE THREE DOTS - UNNECESSARY-
]) her boyfriend, she was surprised by how distant his voice sounded. She had left New York for a little over a year to go to boarding school in London.
Things couldn’t have changed that much, could they?
Suddenly her phone vibrated, it was the maid.
“Miss, it is 7:00am, this is your wake-up call. Your mother said that you have to be downstairs by 9:00am for the Champagne Breakfast”
“Thank-you [NO HYPHEN], I’ll be there” replied Alice.
Great, Alice thought, firstly having such a hangover that she can’t remember why Hayden left her, alone; in that stuffy, crowded room, his eyes glistening full of deep sadness and despair, and now having to put on a happy face in front of her old friends and their families, ugh. [lOTS WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE, IT IS WAY TOO LONG, THE TENSE IS CONFUSED 'NOW HAVING TO' IMPLIES NOW THIS MINUTE. ALSO PUNCTUATION ISSUES - THE SEMI COLON IS WRON,G YOU NEVER USE A COMMA IMMEDIATELY BEFORE 'AND'. THIS NEEDS A REWRITE.
Alice got up and looked in the mirror properly this time; she definitely needed a shower, [NO COMMA HERE] and a lot of make-up to mask the fact that she looked half dead. She showered with not a care that the water was burning her skin [SCALD BETTER THAN BURN WHEN SPEAKING OF WATER]. She stood there motionlessly with the water dripping down her spine. Alice found it kind of relaxing, in a painful way. When she was finished with ['WAS FINISHED WITH' IS INELEGANT. LEAVE AS JUST 'WHEN SHE HAD FINISHED] washing her hair she sat down in the shower with her knees to her chin, starring [STARING] into space, past the running water.
She soon got out realising that she was running out of time and she didn’t have a clue what to wear or how to answer the questions she was going to be hurled at [NO, THE QUESTIONS WOULD PRESUMABLY BE HURLED AT HER]. She wrapped a dressing gown round her toned and tanned body and quickly lathered her hair with Catwalk Frisky Scrunching Gel and tied it in a bun [COMMA] letting a few spare strands fall down. She looked like she was a runway model with her effortless good looks.
By the time she was finished it was 8:30am.
“Crap” she said under her breath.
After changing multiple times she settled with a Phillip Lim Diamanté embroidered dress teamed with Givenchy brown leather cut-out shoe boots. Simple for Breakfast [NO CAPITAL B] and for later on in the day she was going to wear a Balmain Crystal-embellished [NO CAPITAL C] canvas jacket, she does like her crystals [OUCH. GO WITH 'SHE LIKED CRYSTALS' - THAT IS CUMBERSOME AND UNNECESSARY TENSE VARIATION].
She wiped off her smudged eyeliner and put a coat of her Chanel 166 Fuego lipstick on.
She was ready to face them.
* * *
It was 9:06am when she arrived downstairs and everyone had already arrived.
“Pardon me” she said, apologising for being late.
She looked around for a place to sit. At the left side of the table was her father, Cairon, and at the right end of the table was her mother, Eleanor. Clockwise from her mother was [WERE - PLURAL] Daniel’s parents, Matthew and Karoline and then Daniel himself, Jennifer’s parents, William and Susan and then Jennifer herself, Jakie’s parents, Scott and Katherine and then Jakie himself, Tasha’s parents Keith and Samantha and then Tasha herself, then was her father, to the right from him there was two empty seats, past them there was Nathaniel’s parents, Edward and Pamela and then Nathaniel himself, Aimee’s family, Anthony and Emily, her brother Zane and then Aimee herself, and then there was Taylor, who’s parents were at Italy for a week. [GOOD GOD WHAT A LENGTHY, HIDEOUSLY REPETITIVE AND ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY SENTENCE. TRY READING THAT OUT LOUD - YOU'D NEED LUNGS LIKE A HORSE'S.]
Alice felt a breeze of air fly past her back, there was a scent behind her and she recognised it straight away, it was Hayden’s scent (who shouldn’t be thought about or talked about out loud if she was not to break down), Hayden was wearing Euphoria Man by Calvin Klein which Alice bought for him, she felt as if her heart was shrivelling up inside of her. [AGAIN , A MARATHON SENTENCE... BREAK IT DOWN]
Who keeps doing this to me? She thought. Why me?
Her father coughed under his breath [UNLIKELY, ONE CANNOT COUGH UNDER ONE'S BREATH ] and she realised that she was standing there starring [AGAIN, STARING] at the chair, [FULL STOP, NOT COMMA] Hayden had already sat down and he was trying not to look at her.
“Sweetheart, why don’t you sit down between Hayden and me” he asked, smiling her favourite smile, his eyes wrinkled at the side, which gave him character.
She took a deep breath and pulled out the chair.
SUMMARY:
The piece is quite over written in places and it sounds like you have struggled for an unusual turn of phrase when the straightforward one would have been far more effective (e.g. letting tears flee out).
The biggest issue is sentence structure. Many of your sentences are way too long and you seem to thinks inserting commas and the word ‘and’ is sufficient to tie a load of clauses into a sentence. You really need to look at some of the sentences you have running 5 or 6 lines and break them down. The whole thing about the seating arrangement seems to be one sentence. This part is incredibly dull and annoyingly repetitive. It needs either serious rewriting or taking out altogether. Finally you have used ’starring; instead of ’staring’ twice. There are other minor issues (if someone tried to cough under their breath they would almost certainly choke – just use ‘coughed discreetly) but those are the main ones.